I’m just a single guy. I’m not married, I don’t have kids or anything like that. All of my friends are getting married and stuff which is, uh, kinda strange. I don’t know, I feel like I see people my age getting married to people and it’s not people they know that well sometimes. It’s like people they’ve known for a year and a half. A year and a half? Is that enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the rest of your life at them? I’ve had sweaters for a year and a half and been like what the fuck am I doing with this sweater? It’s stupid-looking.
- Aziz Ansari (via longjonathans)
“Aziz Ansari and Kanye West as best friend cats” might be the greatest item I’ve ever seen on etsy.
My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There’s candles in the car. You go, ‘…Is that dangerous?’ and I go, ‘Yes—but I like danger.’
We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my car’s on fire. You go, ‘Aziz, your car’s on fire. Aren’t you upset?’ I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, ‘No. I knew this was gonna happen.’
And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.
Does this ever happen to you - like, I’ll sit in front of my computer to do some important work, and then I’ll just think “man. I wonder if Home Alone 2 made more money than Home Alone 1. I gotta look into this, now. Sorry important work, something more pressing has come up. It’s annoying, ‘cause what always happens is I’ll be researching one thing and I’ll see something else I want to look into. Like, for example, the Home Alone situation, I’ll see ‘oh wow, Joe Pesci’s in that movie. I don’t know much about Joe Pesci. Maybe I should learn everything about Joe Pesci!’ And I’ll spend hours doing this Joe Pesci research, and I know so much about Joe Pesci now, but it’s useless! It’s never going to help me! I’ve never heard of a story of like, a guy getting stopped in an alley by a dude with a knife like, “you’re gonna die tonight … unless you can tell me the name of the album Joe Pesci put out when he was a little kid.” “Little Joe Sure Can Sing.” “Damnit you’re free to go! I gotta stop integrating Joe Pesci trivia into my murders.”
